23 and finding Confidence.

Today, I promise, I fully intended to paint. I also fully intended to blog more. But I don't. Mostly, it's the struggle to balance life. The job. The friends. The hangout place. The boyfriend etc. Everything but the first one, if anything, give me life, make me feel alive. Why? There's not a lot of thinking to it. In fact, they are the encouragement. The job. Is tiring. I love it, well, I like it, it's a job related to my field. I have a good day, and I have bad day. So does every one else in the world. I'm thankful to have this job, and I really like the people I work with. However, being on one's feet for most of the day, and working, leaves one tired, and just wanting to relax. And I really believe there is no shame in that, in relaxing. But the real work is now.

I got a raise, and doing my best to have a good sense of confidence at work. Dunno what it was, but I'm starting just to accept mistakes, not try too hard, and still do my overall best. I feel secure that I have a job that will help to pay off student loans. That is now safe. But now the real work is to apply for shows, paint more, look into grad schools, make more work. Of course, the challenge is that I am trying to change my style, become more abstract but still get my vision across. It's tough.

Not to have a cutesy moment, but it helps having a good support system a.k.a. a boyfriend who has become a best friend who wants to see me succeed, who wants me to paint, and who understands when I need my "me-time" to paint and create. Even if he does not understand, it sill helps a lot. Course, I don't know jack about finance, so it's an even trade.

In the mean time, I should blog more, paint more, practice drawing more, and slowly really get out there. I can do this. I need to do this. To live. I can do long periods of time without drawing, but barely a week without painting before a depression sets in, and that need kicks in. le sigh. I got this. I know I do. But I just got to work work work, and know that all good things, do in fact, come with time.

A Successful Artist

Getting a Twitter was perhaps a fantastic idea. Through it I was able to check out this ARTICLE and learn that Jenny Saville is having a show in NYC with a new body of work related to pregnancy. I am incredibly inspired to work today... but not framing, work as in PAINTING. It does make me happy to wake up every morning and seeing a painting in the works on a shitty easel, and another painting almost completed leaning against the wall. Even more so, I'm excited by the idea of starting a new piece today as well. I should draw more today. Clean up my room a bit more. Listen to music. Maybe watch a movie when I eat lunch or something. Who know.

In all honestly, I have learned that having a full time job leaves you tired, even if you love it. I'm just blessed to continue to work with my hands, and learn various things that I can change with presenting my own work, etc. I feel for now, this is good for me. I am indeed struggling, I'm barely out of college, etc. and I know that I need to attend gallery openings, and the only thing blocking my path is fear of rush hour traffic, fear of getting lost. It's just really something I need to get over with. In fact, if it's one thing to keep me from being successful is my own fear of being successful.

I did apply to one show before the deadline, and I leave it to fate if it made it... further if I even get in. At least I know for that I tried, and that's what matters. now. I sleep at night knowing I tried. I do not yet have the ability to get my own studio away from my apt. That's a someday thing. Honestly, at this time, the best thing I can do is work, start paying back student loans when the time comes, and work on my art when I can and accept being happy. Within a year I will be applying for grad school, hopefully, and likely rejected, all with hopes to apply again and get in to one, and really explore my art, myself, really get myself out there. And after that, who knows. In the mean time, I have to balance everything in my life. So goes the life of being... an adult... with a deep hearted passion for art.

September Adulthood

This is the first time in my life I am not in school in the month of Sept (with the exception of those first 2 years of life) and what I am doing instead? I am thankfully working an art related job full-time at a local frameshop that I love. Yay being able to say bye bye to retail! However, I have learned that trying to be an artist with a full time job is  definitely harder than I expected, and hell, being an adult is def more difficult for me. I used to wonder what kind of paint I was going to get with my paycheck... now I have to consider the typical things I had in school, rent, electric, internet, water, etc... but now I have car--- that means gas, car payment, a balance for groceries, and soon student loans.

Permission to freak out now? Given I am blessed that I am an only child, and my parents currently help me with my car payment. It helps I am also awaiting payments from two paintings I have sold, as well as hoping a friend will buy one of the pieces she housesit, and I am still considering selling my best piece to a friend. I applied back in July for my first art show in the Dallas area... and I didn't get in. A part of me figured I wouldn't, but effort for trying eh? Now my professor sent invites to a few other art shows that I should really apply for. It's just nerve racking. What's worse is that I have to force myself to make my art, though I have ideas. The ideas are all in my head and slowly being put down on paper, but motivation is def a need I've come to realize. I need to set goals, and meet them. I need to make work, problem is, working with your hands for 8 hours a day does indeed become exhausting, and I end up wanting more sleep.

Oh. Add the fact I am also trying to have the life I was never fully able to have in my hometown. I am slowly but surely working towards having a balance between work, art, friends, a relationship, and potentially a pet. I know it will all come together, I know life is going really well, same time, I'm discovering much of this has all become a huge weight on my shoulders.... how will I make my own stretcher bars, canvas, etc? I lack so many valuable tools, and I find that my parents don't take me serious when I ask for specific tools.

I think this is just part of my life though that I REALLY have to get used too: I am a young female first generation college student who is DEF the oddball in the family. I have the drive to be successful, but I also realize I need a break, I need to make sure I want to pursue, and I do. Honestly, I can feel the onset of painting and other artistic nightmares keeping me up at night... good thing I do have a day off tomorrow... I fully intend to work on a painting I started months ago, and come up with multiple sketches. I will find time to make this all work...in the mean time... I honestly morn academia... and miss the art village immensely... but sadly...

this is all part of growing up.

It's August, Do You Know Where Your Starving Artist Is?

It's August. A month ago I moved back to Dallas to start a life, a life I wanted free from other expectations and free from the norm that I am used to. Basically, I moved to have a chance at life, one where I can breathe and not suffocate. The city of Abilene will always be my home, always; however, there is too much history, too many memories, and not a life for me there. In fact, since I've moved back to Dallas, life has been amazingly different if not better.

Within a week I found a part time job at a frameshop, and await more hours if not full time. I quit retail after two days of trying it out, and the lack of communication and time it took for them to accept me as a transfer was just not worth it. Thus, I seek a second job part time until I can get what I really want at the frameshop. I do plan on going to grad school, but I have no clue as to where. This is why I'm working, enjoying life, and as soon as I have the space and get over paint block, I will start working on new work.

I actually need to get active, go to gallery openings, spread my business cards, and apply to shows using my senior work. I'm getting there. It's just taking a while to adjust, given the main thing is making sure I can get by. However, that is getting settled, which means I can start working with the materials I have since my shop lets me take leftover materials that would be thrown in the trash otherwise.

I plan on updating more, and maybe even reworking a few things on this blog and my site. So, as always, I am artistically developing---just in the city that has my heart.

What Happens... Now?

I'm sitting here thinking about what happens now. Really, what does happen now? I graduated from undergrad, that was my goal. But what happens now? Well, today I got my learner's permit, next step is to take the actual driving test (hopefully next week and pass) then get a car. Later this week, I should know if I got the apartment my bestie/roommate and I want. If that all falls into place, emails will be sent out. Career Services will know where I am living and help me find a job in the area, Target will know as well and I can hope to transfer so I have some kind of a job. Then of course move. But what about Art? Of course, I'm hoping to get an art related job... but what else? I'm accomplished going to college and graduating... but what now?

 I've never been one much for lists, but I think this time around, I should be. I should make a list of goals I want to accomplish, especially in Dallas, otherwise what will my life be worth? Waste not. I should apply to shows. I should make more art. So I'm going to fix up this blog. In fact, I'm really going to change it up methinks given I have an actual portfolio site now. I'm going to make a tab with those goals too so you can see whatever progress I can make.

These goals may also become more life goals as well. I may even set a time limit for them. So to give just an idea of what kind of goals I'm thinking, I'll post the first one because I should be able to make it out to this month's Artwalk, though it'll be Carwalk, and hopefully make my presence, and just try to leave some info before I leave this town.

1. Solo Show in Hometown - Abilene, TX

And here's some music for your ears:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-NFrV7-jqE

Waiting for Paint to Dry

I've graduated. Woot. Don't get me wrong, it's an extremely exciting thing, and I'm very proud of myself for what I've accomplished... but, graduating meant transition, graduating meant leaving school, away from a press, away from research materials, leaving a studio, and turning in keys. This is indeed a very exciting transition. I'm home for awhile until I move back to Dallas (End of June/July), and until then, it's a mesh of unpacking belonging, tossing out unnecessary things, then organizing and packing things for the move back. I've been trying to do this before I go back to work this week, but I'm very slow at it because I've been trying to relax after a very long, stressful, but exciting and accomplishing semester.

However, within only a few days of getting home, I needed to work. I started to do all this organizing/packing in order to make space to paint. After a week, I finally had somewhat of a space to start new work, but it is so cramped. There is disorganization, but at least I'm used to working on the floor. I am learning to make do with what I have. I have no choice. Just as I have feared, I may in fact be a workaholic. I think maybe only a day after orals I had to paint something, just a lil something, and I did. To go without painting is simply to not live for me. I can only go a few days without it, like water, before I start to get really antsy.

Paint nightmares happen, not in a happy mood, etc. Is this what it means to be a legit painter? An artist? I don't know. I'm only 22. If I use my time wisely, maybe I will learn to answer those questions, and even greater ones. I think the acrylic paint is dry now. I think I should go pick up a brush.

On a final note, Ladytron is great paint/art making music.

May 1, A New Start?

It has been FAR too long since my last blog. Sure enough, my life has been one of working towards the completion of my senior exhibition, hours spent painting, printing, building stretcher bars, building frames, spraying painting, loading, installation... in addition there were forms to be filed out, invitations to order, business cards, prepping for orals... then of course there are my other two legit classes where I'm somewhat behind. To be far, my art history paper is almost done, and what is really left is simply to finish and improve Digital Media projects. All will get done though.

Oh, and I guess I can say, I passed my orals. Yes, I get to graduate.

As much as a relief as it was, all I could think about the next day was, what do I do? Yes, I have a paper to write, and yes, projects to finish... but how can it be over? Well, it's not over. After only 30 mins of actual classtime, I decided to start working on new smaller works with leftover canvas. Yesterday, I worked on a print exchange, but also a whole new edition to play with color on my plates... that whole thing took 4 and a half hours. I feel extremely burntout, with my show up, I honestly just want to sleep or do nothing. But the human body, and the heart, are very interesting things.

My body is used to a certain way of living, you get up and go to your studio, at least twice if not three times a day. You go home to eat and get on your computer for a bit before heading back. My body is used to stress and pressure... and it's lost. And this is something people don't understand about being art majors, why we don't chose to go to grad school so easily. We are used to strain and pressure of completing a show. In grad school, you go to pursue a greater understanding of what it is you do, and improve it, make it the best you can, not so much to learn complete brand new things, though in some cases that is true. You have to have a path. For an art major, taking time off means you have to prove to yourself this is a career, a field you want to pursue. And you have to prove that to yourself but forcing yourself to not lose your creative heart. So you have the body that is used to physical activity and the emotions that go along with it, then you have your heart--and that's what keeps you going.

I have two weeks or so left of studio space. Finish things for other classes yes, but paint and print as much as possible. If I've learned anything in these past few weeks, this past month, despite all the emotions and mental strain this can all have, I've learned more than anything, this is what I have to do. To not do this, means quite simply, not living. I have to create to live, that's the way it goes, and maybe that makes me lost to others, maybe that becomes a annoying, but that's the way it is.

"My mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the pope.' Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."--Pablo Picasso

The Sickly Sick - Mild Panic

Months ago, and I mean MONTHS ago (Sept?), I told myself: All of your paintings will be done by the end of March. April will be dedicated to stretching and framing etc. Well guess what? In 12 days March will be over, and all I can think of is how much work I have left to do. It's not that I'm neglecting my work--trust me I'm not, I'm in the studio for a least an hour to two, twice to three times a day. It's a matter of my work needing to be a body of work for my senior show, and because of my progression, some things aren't necessary anymore, which means I need work that will tie everything together, reflect that progression.

Spring Break was great. I went home for the weekend, had an amazing nightlife during the week but was very productive during the day. So I worked, but I also gave myself some time to relax and have fun before the Panic Switch is pushed. I have 3 stretched paintings, in addition to the other that is even framed and ready to go, but one of those 3 may not make it in--unnecessary. At the moment, I look at my work, and I think this week, if I get the supplies, I'll be ready to stretch 3 more and finish them. Then I have three other works to complete. Bringing my total to 9 paintings for my show. I'm secretly hoping to bust out a 10th if I can, I mean, yes I'll be busy with framing and other art related things for the show, but I can't go all of April without painting... can I? I'm still hoping to have some prints in my show, which I hope to work and finish in the next two weeks as well. However, for the moment, they are on the backburner---Painting is more important.

Now what has slowed me down this week? Sickness. I caught a virus that had been going around, and it left me a bit crippled aka, I had a hard time working on Mon, went to the doctor, rested. Tues, I barely left my room, I slept most of the day or spent time chatting online. Wed, I was feeling better enough to work in the studios, but that left me exhausted--not a smart idea. Thus Thurs, I wasn't 100% as I should have been. And now, I am in the last stages. Thankfully since Fri I've been able to work, Sat I worked and even went out for a bit, but nonetheless, I find I can only work a short period of time before I have to go home and just rest, whether that means napping, getting online, even eating. I need rest. The worse part is that I feel I lost a valuable week of working time.

So I had this goal of 12 days to finish all my paintings. One painting is barely started. One is left still to paint, meaning it's a complete blank canvas. My prof wants me to work on getting each done, and not work on multiples as I have been. She's right. However, I'm to that point where there needs to be paint on that canvas. I need to tie all these loose ends.

I set a goal of end of March. 12 days. So I'm going to ask you a question:

Do YOU think I can do this?
----because I sure hope I can.

We Are Broken - or just getting to that point.

Paramore is going through my eartubes right now. I can't believe it's been a month since I posted, so there's a lot of must say. For one, I think maybe this blog should just be about art and what I do in general. I mean, I'm trying to put my stuff out there on so many places, that maybe links are just better? I don't know. I have a somewhat website now for digital media, and I may actually get a legit real domain name and all at some point. With that said, I may get rid of some of my other pages and consider making demo pages, like how I do this, how I get that, or something. Dunno. I decided that I do still want to blog about my art and art making even though no one else really reads this.

But in other news, Senior Review II occurred last week, and I have a debriefing on Thursday. Yep. I got a teaser today. Kinda nervous. Oh internet you will do so much good for me in the end, but all this uploading and promoting blah, lots of organizing...takes some time and thought.

Listening to Music Calms You.

The Pan's Labyrinth soundtrack is so soothing and calm... and sad, bittersweet. I listen to the track "A Princess" and think of the film, visualize everything that does go on, and how in this piece of music, towards the end, you can hear Ofella's last bit of breath before she dies. Or maybe I'm imagining things. No, I hear it.

When I hear this piece, I imagine myself months from now and think of my last breath before I enter the room for orals, my last breath before I get questioned and the breath after I answer the first, the first breath when I leave the room, the first breath I make when I hear the door open... and then what? Either a breath of joy or one of sorrow. Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of things like this, especially now, but I overthink, I think into the future a lot. It's just who I am. I like to be prepared and I like to dream, especially daydream.

What's on my plate, especially for next week? Make collagraph plates, plan/design collagraph, finish paintings, work more on paintings, work on unifying a show, work on figuring out your space, work on updated bib for my mini-thesis, work on researching mini-thesis, work on digital media project, work on digital media homework, work on having fun and hanging out with friends.... the list goes on, and really, I don't HAVE to do all of that next week, some yes, but not all, in fact some things will take more time.

Maybe I still am an overachiever. Maybe I do work best under pressure. Maybe I worry and look ahead too much. Maybe I need to slow down. All I know is that I'm an addict to my studio. And that's why I'm about to go back.

Maybe the more work and more fun I have the better I'll be able to figure things out, work a lot, but have fun to take time to step away and come back fresh. I didn't have much fun today so to speak, but I am an addict. Off to my fortress.

Titles.

The more and more I look at my paintings, the more and more I try to name them. It's crazy, but I see my paintings as children in a way, I am the one who creates and develops them, therefore they are a part of me, and I have a right -- more so need -- to name them. Now I suppose I have a ways to go before I name all my pieces, I should even finish them maybe before I name them... but then again, the longer I wait to think about it, the closer it will get to my show, and the harder it will to name them to the point where it could be rushed. This was the situation I fell into before Synopsis; though I did like some of the names, they felt rushed or even too cliche. I want to avoid that this around. Even though I still have other major things to worry about, framing, space, etc. this is something I want to start considering, and by using a title perhaps I can allow that to help influence the development of the piece, give more direction.

This is just one little thing that will help everything else fall into place.

Intro to Digital Media

Or as I like to call it, Crossing-the-Digital-Hurdle-and-Remembering-Stuff-From-Years-Ago.

My experience with digital media is very limited. In 8th grade I did Yearbook, but really I ended updating the school's A and A/B Honor Roll list. You best believe I choose fun texts, crazy colors, used free backgrounds, and even did a marquee here and there. Looking back, I can only imagine how tacky those webpages were. To get out of taking a year and a half of something computer related, in high school (honestly, I forget the requirement), I took Webmastery and worked on very few things. Mostly I searched the web after doing what I was supposed to do, but we never had much to do. I did learn some basics of photoshop, and years later I did take AP Photo though I wasn't using it as my sole medium, but I did do some digital projects. Add random livejournal (yes I had/have one), myspace, and other random blogs, I do in fact have some experience of codes and creating things for the web. I don't know how much of that will come in handy, but I hope some of it does.

Of course, I am the only undergrad in the class, as the other 6 are grads, but thankfully, I know and love them all. I'm excited that my advisor is teaching it too. To be honest, it all does seem overwhelming, but I know I will learn a lot as I struggle to decide if the professional art world is my place, I hope it is, or at least part of it. I have said that I do not seek fame or fortune, I seek to help and inspire others---part of the reason I want to teach, but I want to explore my passion for my field as well, and being in galleries and shows is a part of that. I look forward to working and learning about all these things that are so complex, but I know it will only help me.

On the plus side, we're going to work on making our own websites, EXCITEMENT! Given some of the grads already have one, but still, some of us don't and it's perfect timing before my show goes up to learn all these handy things, in the hopes that by May I can hand out business cards with my own name and site... a huge step into that professional world. I hope I can just pull it all off.

Overall, knowing all this web stuff, is only going to increase my knowledge, and nerdiness. Cool points to me.

Absolutely Freezing

It is absolutely freezing outside. All I can think about is going out to paint. It's maybe a 10 min or less walk, but in the below freezing weather, I question if it is really worth risking a chance of getting sick. I have a sketchbook and pencils and though I desire my studio, I could always draw and develop ideas at home, leading me to be more prepared in the studio. However it is not fun considering I spent some time yesterday painting a new background for a new piece:

This is actually a cool pic... my paintbrush looks ghostly. It's alive and well though. It sadly may not be active today. Though I might just have to brave this 26 degree weather. That's what a passionate person does sometimes.

Happy New Year (belated)

Being home with no internet access on your personal laptop is not fun. Though a netbook had internet, it's so small that it's hard to work with a site. Thus I am back in the Dallas area and ready to post more updates. I'm hoping to do more customization to this blogspot. Aside from that, I finally posted my artist statement, and hopefully post some images of prints that I've done, and links to artist websites that are friends of mine or of things that interest me.