What is an Artist?

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up."
- Pablo Picasso

I find myself thinking this several times a week. Why? Last year, I made the decision to not pursue the idea of graduate school for art. Why? I decided it was not a good choice for me. At least not at the moment. I did not want to teach, I did not want to add to the debt I already had, I did not want to leave the city I call home, I, for once, just wanted to stop and do what it is I want to do. The problem? I did not know what I wanted to do. I found a new job, one I never thought I'd have, however, I enjoy it, I really do, and I want to learn, grow, and prosper there. However, this leads me to a hard question to answer: What do you do?

I technically work at a call center. That's what I do, but why am I? Am I allowed to say I am an artist? Can I call myself an artist when I don't get to paint as much even though I have a studio space? Can I call myself an artist when I haven't been in any type of art show in over a year? Can I call myself an artist when I don't go to gallery receptions much? Am I allowed to say I am an artist? If I do, am I liar? Am I a fraud?

The truth is I felt I must have an art-related job because I have an art degree, and I've always made art, but maybe that's not the case. No one said, "You don't have to have a degree in an art-related field." People did say, "Artists have to get jobs to pay to able to make art." What I have is a job to support myself, and support my art....... but does that make my art a "hobby"? I have found that I don't have to have an art-related job to be artist. Word is slowly spreading at work that I am an artist. People are curious so I slip them a card from my senior show years ago. People look at it, and compliment it. In fact, people say I should post more. Somehow, I have become more encouraged to make work because people at my non-art-related job are supportive and interested. 

I have a new audience, a new audience I can capture. 

I have painted since the day my dad had no idea what to get me for my birthday one year. He came home with an easel set, and ever since, I've had to paint. So much so, that my boyfriend can testify how cranky I can get if I haven't painted in a while. Sure, it's harder now that I don't have the goal of graduate school to achieve, but now, my goal is even greater in my opinion. That goal is to satisfy my own artistic soul. 

Because I am an artist.

Let's ring in the New Year... with Reality.

For the past few months, I cannot remember the last time I took to paint, or draw, come up with a print. I know printing was a  blur... I know I did something that I liked. However, since November, life has been hectic, and as it has died down, I finally had a moment to think of everything.

For some background, here as been the past few months: Getting sick - Grandfather died - Birthday - Thanksgiving - Getting Sick - Holiday rush - Christmas - Moving - Finally moved in with Boyfriend.

My studio is mostly set up, aka, good enough to create. That's what I plan to do on my day off. It's rather nice having a separate room - the guest room - for my studio space. I can truly get away from normal life and escape to a place that is my own, under my own room. With settling down from the chaos, I have to face several thoughts about what I want to do.

Grad school is still on my mind. I have idea where (that's a lie I've looked into a couple), but with the lack of productivity I've lost a little bit of confidence about the decision (also lack of artmaking starts to sink me into a bit of depression mood, the winter does not help, but I'm sure once I just do something, all this will go away and I'll be as motivated as ever). Probably my biggest concern: What in the Hell am I going to do with a MFA in Art be it Printmaking or just Art. I have no clue. One of my bosses jokes how I could buy the business someday. Hmm, me, owning a frameshop, being my own boss, having a career? Or, back to my lifelong thought, I could become a teacher... but I've never taught, how do I know if I'll be a good one, and what age group should I teach? Or, I could just hope and pray I get some decent art related job that is decent pay etc....

It all comes down to the simple matter of, go to grad school. Just go to fucking Grad School Jessica. Go through another few years where you are going to cry your eyes out, where things are going to be hard, and you'll be stressed to death... and you know what? You'll love every minute of it, and when you want across that stage with an MFA you'll be so proud and know it was all worth it. You'll be happy.

Maybe blogging is just what I needed. Maybe I just needed to say, stop worrying about a career. Focus on the now, get into grad school, go through hell/fun, and figure out the next step in life. I have a good start. My parents support me (in the do what you want with life, we'll love you and be supportive of your decisions way), my boyfriend is freakin' the bestest ever (was that a super girly moment? gross.) who supports me and loves I have ambition, and I have good friends who have my back, and teachers who are encouraging even though I've graduated.

I've always believed I could do anything I set my mind to, well, that's what people say right? Anything is possible when you set your mind to it? I guess it's up to me to prove it.

Good News, Bad News, and Advice

Where to start quite honestly? This should be a rather short post given it has been several months since my last update, and just get to the gist of everything lately. I received some good news this week, I GOT A RAISE, and a bonus, from my job. It's pretty exciting, and a good feeling to have, especially with the constant fear of, what the hell do I really want to do with my life? All I know is, I want to make art (more on this dilemma in a bit). I'll admit, sometimes I wonder of the prospect of owning my own a frame shop, but at the time, I'm not sure I want that responsibility. There are pros and cons to being your own boss... at least with my raise comes a bit more responsibility--- one of my bosses is having me learn the money side of running a business, at least I'll get a taste of that to help a future decision.

Then to bad news. I searched and searched for a few print shows, and applied, and got rejected. The same day I got my raise. It was a tough decision to pick one out of three given the cost of entering. At time, rejection is something we all have to face right? At least I've gotten into one show and did a few print exchanges right? And, by working hard, I can apply to many more in 2013 and hope for the best. 

Now on making art. Lately, I've focused more on painting the past weeks, and given that, plus recently pulling leg muscles (ow!), it will be two weeks of no printing. I haven't even truly given thought to what I want to do next, and today I will sit and plan those ideas out. Still. Not going to print for two weeks gives me this overwhelming sense of guilt. That's when advice from people who don't know much about art comes in. As he listened to my dilemma and knowing I didn't know what I wanted to do, my boyfriend simply asked me, "why are you forcing it?" He stopped me there. With no real idea of what to create, I would have forced something awful out, and ended up unhappy. I'm not in school anymore, I have to use materials wisely as to not waste money, and I am working towards a portfolio for grad school. So, why am I forcing it? Art for me, should not be an obligation. Yes, every once and a while, sitting down and forcing myself to draw/sketch needs to happen, but my prints need more thought process, as my paintings do, and when there is nothing to make, sit down and sketch. By that, I'll have more confidence and excitement when creating instead of that miserable feeling I know I'll get. 

And that leads me to that final thought/ramble of what do I want to do with my life? Make good art. Good, not forced. Short term goal: go to grad school and make good art. Next week, I will print and be happy. Today, I will rest, get better, sketch, and be happy.

Composition, Color, and Black-- don't be afraid of Black

Thus the struggle begins with the advice of my printmaking professor.... better yet it's begun and I have spent the past two weeks gazing at the two large prints on my wall, sleeping to and waking up to them, always wondering if I like, or dislike. Overall, I do not like them. In fact, I love them. I have fallen in love with this new idea of going larger, the challenge of thinking in new ways. Of course, it can be difficult. Instead of focusing on a single object, I have to focus on many in order to create a more complex piece of work. This new advice has led me to explore more of the human body, and really pull shapes and essentially play... yes, become a little playful. At least with all this playfulness I get to use more color, and be brave with color.

I look at the few inks I have and think of how many different colors I could just create, and oh what could they do when they are layered over each other? What if they dry then I do another layer? What could this do?? In all my thoughts of the future of my prints, there came another issue... not to be afraid of black. Maybe it's because from a painter stand point, I've been told not to use black... but rather make your own black, and I have. However, it appears it is opposite in printmaking. Use black. Use it a lot. And what did I find when I opened that black can? Magic. Perhaps it's just the make-up of the ink, but adding black to blue, to pink, to something else in general, just adds to the color... it becomes a very powerful thing for me to use black. Once again, it presents a challenge, but in the end, I'm happy to accept. So. This has been a lot of ramblings as I sit here and watch the Daily Show amused but still with printing on my mind. And paintings. I'm still painting. Love painting. But printing is a whole new world that I feel I'm fully exploring for the first time... with a push.... a very big push.

This blogging has made me want to sketch out ideas now. Good. But in the mean time, here's a glimpse of what I've done since the summer began--minimal work done, but still, something to explore:

The Paint Day and One Year Later

Hi Folks. Today I took the first day in a long time to spend the day making art... to some extent. I happily finished a painting, maybe two actually, and started lil mini paintings, mere studies for subjects hopefully to be used on larger works. This is one painting I'm pretty sure that I've finished here . I'm hoping at some point this weekend to update my website with these works to give an official clearance, permanence that they are complete. It's funny to be how I'm still training to maintain the same style I had in my last year of college, but also try something new. This newness is hard to like, because well... I'm not used to it. And honestly, painting has taken the backseat to printmaking.

As I said, today was paint day. Almost every Wednesday for the past few months I have been going to my alma mater (wait do I get to say that?) to print, mostly for print exchanges, just to get me back into the process. Now, it has become more important as I am asked to go big... bigger than my lil 12 x 12 in prints to something such as 18 x 24 in which definitely proves more problems than I imagined. At the same time, I am very excited, and given the go hold for new experimentation and this new sense of style is helping me to feel better about the prospect of grad school. Of course, I realize I may not be ready to apply, I may need another year to develop a solid portfolio worthy of submitting... but I think a sense security helps with that confidence that I can achieve my goals.

It has been a year since I've graduated college, and I can proudly say the following:
1. I am a city that I love and that I am truly happy in.
2. I am surrounded by many friends that I love and love me and couldn't be happier.
3. I am in a good, healthy, and loving relationship with an awesome guy.
4. I have a job that I don't dread going to, and have the assurance one of my bosses is happy to know I plan to work with them for a few years, until I go to grad school (also helps it's only 10 mins up the road!)
5. Probably the most important, I feel a greater sense of independence. I have a car, I pay my bills on time, I budget my money, I save my money, I feel secure in my life... though the insecurity helps too, not knowing what the future holds.

I think it is Eve Ensler who wrote a book about Insecurity, I sadly can't remember the title at the moment. However, I do recall, that maybe the best way to leave is in that Insecurity. I have no idea where I will be next year, or two, I'm not even sure I can stay at this apartment given there's a few months left on the lease... but I know that insecurity means something interesting can happen... good or bad... I don't feel controlled, I'm on my own... and I like it. I'm happy.

with the exception of the fact there may be typos in this blog post.... that will make me unhappy... but I'll let the English majors find them, if there are any ;)

Changes and Changes

Where to begin. It's been, well, forever. I've meant to update, but how can I find the right way to describe everything in the past few months. Well, I have an idea. It all started with an idea, that would work...only to fail.

For Lent, I had every intention to get 40 ideas from 40 people for paintings, I'd do one small 5 in by 5 in painting each day. Quite Ambitious. Quite a failure. However, I did not get 40 ideas, and I barely started any, and honestly, I'm sure many have forgotten... until now. But let me explain. The reason for the project was to encourage me to paint and develop an idea for a potential portfolio for Grad School. Amidst this, I had a realization. As much as I love painting, I held a deeper passion waiting to bloom, and I only needed a confirmation---- I wanted to continue printmaking, better yet, I wanted to learn more about printmaking.

I have started printmaking again. I do not mean to ever give up painting, I intend to use both in a future portfolio for grad school, and also, printmaking has helped me to develop ideas for paintings. I now feel very sure about my decision, and thus abandoned the painting project to follow this other idea of my heart. The project was meant to help me find passion, and in some way it did---it led me to realize this.

I have no clue when I'll go to school. No idea where. I'm terrified of this new path... but something feels right. And I have to follow it.

The New Motivation

I don't even want to know how long it's been since my last entry. I don't even want to promise how I'll try to update more. I'm not even going to make too much of an effort due to the my terrible terrible neglect with this blog. So. I'll just say this.

I am painting again. I've been painting for a bit at least 3 times a week... and I slowly see that increase, roughly an hour or two each time. It's a start. Soon, I'm hoping to start printmaking again. The bonus of working at a frameshop... gotta love how someone's trash is another's treasure. I love how I get this frames that are made, just slightly injured... I think how I can try to fix them up and then using scrap pieces of matboards to paint on BAM instant artwork put into a frame. Course, I can't save too much stuff... I don't have the space. But damn, I miss making my own things to work... Instead, just to keep me painting, I've taken to cheap ready stretched and gessoed canvas... thankfully I've learned to work with it... build up the surface. They'll do. I buy the occasional raw piece... but then I'm left of the question: how will I stretch it? Damn I want a saw. Cheap right? Yes. But I want a miter saw. Though honestly, I should just be old fashioned and use an old traditional saw... worth a shot right? bah.

In other minor news: I submitted to a print show and got in. More on at a later date. I submitted a painting for a show. Didn't get in. I was pretty bummed about that... but with that rejection has led me to become determined to enter that particular show every year until I'm in. This is my new motivation: the fact I can get in to one, and rejected to another.

Also, there's nothing like a huge setback, a family issue, something heartbreaking to give you a new motivation to be better, to be stronger, to be become something greater than ever imaginable--- insert evil voice. No. Greater in a good way, I promise. But of course, that's why I have my art, to lay everything out. I have my goals. I want grad school. I WANT IT. So I'll get it. Eventually. For now, a layer has dried and I need to finish this much belated Christmas present and find out what the hell to paint on this other canvas... hmm... I'm thinking some kind of organ... fun stuff.